An Open Letter to a Lost Friend


I am writing this
in response to the
overwhelming hole I caused
within my own heart.

A heart that was
blackened by darkness,
shrunken and shrivelled
by the overhwhelming urge
to cast love away.

You see, 
the first thing that books
never tell you about
depression
is not the loneliness
you feel inside,
(lord knows I know enough of that)
but the loneliness
it creates around you.

(The very same loneliness that made
me push you away,
afraid of exposing the darkness within.)

You may ask why I kept silent,
but what you
may never understand
is that opening up about the darkness
is far more treacherous
than keeping it hidden.

(You can wrap a cold
heart in silence
until the broken beats
disappear from fuzzy ears.)

And it is for this reason
I never told you, friend,
and for that reason
I guess our friendship
has come to an end.

I am no better now
than I was then -
my heart is barely healed,
wrapped in patchwork fabrics of
silence, loneliness, lethargy.

There are days when I wake up
without feeling awake at all.
I am constantly
drifting in a sleepy conscious,
tip toeing a line between
the light and this darkness,
wondering if anyone
would try to stop me
from plunging into the deep.

The place where
my blackened heart lay, friend,
is the place where our
friendship is buried today -
wrapped in patchwork fabrics of
my silence, regret, and anger.

I am sorry friend
for the unanswered
calls and texts,
the cancelled plans,
and the friendship
I traded for rest. 

There's a lump in my throat
when I talk to you -
a painful lump that is there
because I don’t know how
to speak to you
without wanting to burst out
in apologies
and explanations.

But what you may never know
is how you still kept
the darkness at bay
even though I never
gave you a chance
to know that it existed.

So thank you
for healing my heart
without knowing its
terminal illness.


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